i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
