Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
