3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I can't put those talents on a resume
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
