i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We are two peas in an std pod
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
