I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
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