and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
