Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
