I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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