Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
