The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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