whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize