just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
