Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Randomize
