Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
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