I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
