i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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