I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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