The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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