I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
