Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
