drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
