Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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