I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
