Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Randomize
