Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
