Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
