How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
