checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
