fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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