Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
