we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We need a shit load of segways right now
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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