not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
