So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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