I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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