I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize