i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
