Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
