i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
