I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
