True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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