Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize