Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
