so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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