Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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