I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
