She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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