I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
