you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
