You don't have asthma, your pregnant
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
