I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
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