Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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