I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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