I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
