i already hear my dad disowning me
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
