I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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