I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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