There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
