i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
