piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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