if you like me you must not know who I am
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Randomize
